Brianna's Blog. :)

Another disconcerted mind.


Relocation.
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I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm moving over to WordPress, as it allowed me to easily compile all of my old blog entries from old blogs as well as add the original comments to them. It's just better when it comes to the purpose of keeping track of my own history. :) So I'd love it if you guys checked that out. For now you can find it just by clicking the "WordPress" link above, and I'll let you know when I start to host it on my own domain.

Hope to see you guys there! :)
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Ahh! Stuff is so GOOD!
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My life rocks.

:heart: 1. That "threat" has been taken care of and no longer exists.

:heart: 2. I spent over four hours walking around Montgomery Village today applying to jobs. I applied to 21 places in person (even though a few weren't hiring), and the rest weren't accepting applications. I applied everywhere that I could possibly work, so I had to disinclude specialized places like hair/nails places. Subway looks the most promising, but I want the art store one desperately. Other than that I applied to 3 more places online that are also in Montgomery Village.

Daniel is being extremely encouraging (as is everyone else) but he's also seemingly very proud of me, and I love that feeling. <3 Ben says that out of that many places I have to get at least 2 bites... Let's hope so, because...

:heart: 3. A When I get a job, I can easily take care of my medical bills and not have to worry about them.
B I can get my doggie! *supermassive grin*
C
Daniel and I will be able to pool our money together to take care of bills and such (I would take care of a percentage based on how much I make) which makes me feel good and will make him not feel like a parent.
D We'll have stuff to do on the weekends pretty much all the time. We'll be able to afford to have fun!
E Can you say "FIRST CAR"?!?!?

:heart: 4. I thought I was going to have a problem with my bank account's automatic transfer because I made a boo-boo with PayPal and I didn't think the money'd be available, resulting in an over-draft tomorrow. Instead of taking 5 days, though, PayPal pulled through and got me my money in the knick of time! No problemo!

:heart: 5. Tomorrow I'm going to get sushi for lunch and possibly hang out at Old Navy with Emi. (She's been Daniel's friend for, like, ever, and now she's my friend too!) Yay for making new friends! Speaking of which, I also have another relatively new friend that I grew close to very quickly. His name's Ben; he was in Smith Smith, for those of you that have seen it. I've never really had friends that I hung out with this way, and it excites me.

:heart: 6. Being in love is the best feeling in existence. I can't wait until you all find it for yourselves. I know many of you will think you have it now, and maybe you do. But maybe you'll find someone later on and realize it was nothing close. Either way, once you feel it you won't be able to live without it.

I've got to be the happiest girl on earth right now. I can live with that. :D

You know what, Daniel? :)
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When I'm lost in the rain, in your eyes I know I'll find the light to light my way. When I'm scared and losing ground; when my world is going crazy, you can turn it all around. And when I'm down you're there, pushing me to the top. You're always there for me, giving me all you've got.

For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm, I turn to you. For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on. For everything you do, for everything that's true, I turn to you.

When I lose the will to win, I just reach for you and I reach the sky again. I can do anything, 'cause your love is so amazing, 'cause your love inspires me. And when I need a friend, you're always on my side, giving me faith, taking me through the night.

For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm, I turn to you. For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on. For everything you do, I turn to you.

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain. For truth that will never change. For someone to lean on. For a heart I can reply on through anything, I can run to...

For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm, I turn to you. For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on. For everything you do, for everything that's true. For everything you do, for everything that's true, I turn to you.
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Life is good. :)
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So, this entry's not really about huge, significant things that have happened lately but more about how life is improving by the day and is just... good. :)

While I've got a few things to worry about, they seem to be under control, at least for the moment. One of them isn't under anyone's control, but it's a "wait and see" situation. I still have to find a job and get on the diet train again, but it's not something I can really make happen faster, so I guess patience is key.

The Depo, I think, is finally wearing off. My emotions are going back to normal! If I think about those things that really upset me, for the most part, it's very easy to stop thinking about them. And some of the time, it seems like I think about them, and my body tenses up, waiting for some sort of negative emotions to bubble up and overwhelm me, and then I get a pleasant surprise: I don't feel anything more than slight annoyance. From it making my world fall apart to this is, I think, a major improvement. Also, my trust issues seem to have been nullified, at least for the most part. I won't get into that, but there it is.

Yesterday I got a call from Jacqueline (the manager of our apartment complex) and she informed us that there was a smaller, one-bedroom apartment available if we wanted it. Daniel and I went to look at it last night, and it's really nice. It's a LOT smaller (the apartment we're in is a two-bedroom and has an ENORMOUS living room, and big rooms in general), but the layout is better, and it's one of the updated (redone) apartments. Instead of cabinets without handles, for one thing, we'd have shiny handles, a new fridge, (lose the dishwasher, but oh well), a new sink, granite counter-tops, a new stove, and our personal favorite: a new A/C! Ours sucks. -_- And another good thing is that it's in the bedroom. The carpets are all nice, too. :D So now we're just waiting to hear if we got it or not. If we do, then we can move in as early as a month and a week from today. w00t!

That's all I can think of for now, but I feel like I haven't written anything substantial in a while.

This ain't so bad. :)
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I just realized how much like my age I'm acting today. Not in the bad way (I'm not being snooty, drinking, getting high or acting like a skank, etc), but in the Lizzie McGuire Movie intro way. Not quite as embarrassing or on that scale, but that's what it reminds me of. I've been taking pictures, talking to friends and singing along to the most upbeat songs, from Atomic Kitten to Shania Twain. There's nothing like being happy AND being a teenager. ;)



There are some parts of being 18 that are worth stopping to enjoy. :D

"The tide is high, but I'm holdin' on; I'm gonna be your number one..."

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Weight Loss
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I made some virtual models to show my current and goal weights. :) It's my version of thinspo.






I can't freaking wait. :)


Life right now.
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My dA subscription is gone, as you can probably tell. :| Sucks.

I can't buy another one because I need to save all the money I can to pay for my medical bills. I called the hospital yesterday and they sent out something for me, either to get on some sort of charity thing or to allow me to only pay as much as I can per month. I hope it's the latter, because I doubt I'd apply for much. $5 is apparently definitely possible, because they're still getting money, so they can't complain. I have like $50 in the bank, so as long as that works out, I can stretch that out for ten months, which is ample time to find a job. Once I get a job, I'll just put my first two or three checks toward it and it'll be completely gone. I just can't let it affect my credit score, because I essentially have none at this point.

If someone wants to donate me a 3-month subscription, that'd be cool. ;) It's only $8. Heh. Don't worry, I'm not expecting anyone to actually do that. It'd be cool, though. A girl can wish.

Y'know, something cute happened last night. I woke up several times during the night, and on the last one, Tammy walked into the room (the door was open, and it's not most of the time, so Tammy doesn't usually pop in outta nowhere.) and all I saw was this dark shadow race across the floor right next to me. It scared me, and I gasped and jumped. I guess it woke Daniel up, because all of a sudden his arm wrapped around me from behind me and he held me until I was almost asleep again. He must've thought I'd woken up from a nightmare and was trying to comfort me. I thought it was sweet. :heart:

"Completely."
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I give my all, or not all
There's no in between
I'll give my best, won't second guess
This feeling deep in me

You make me want to love you
With every breath, I'll love you
Endlessly
I'll give my heart, give my soul
I won't hold back; I'll give you everything
All of me, completely

You fill me up with your love
Oh, I just overflow
When we touch, can't get enough
And I want you to know

You make me want to love you
With every breath, I'll love you
Endlessly
I'll give my heart, give my soul
I won't hold back; I'll give you everything
All of me, completely

You make me want to love you,
With every breath, I'll love you
Oh, endlessly
I'll give my heart, give my soul
I won't hold back; I'll give you everything
All of me, completely
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Something I realized recently...
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My heart is still broken. The betrayal and the abandonment are still enough to make me cry instead of being distant, unpleasant memories. It's been four years... How long does it take for a heart to completely mend itself? This doesn't mean I'm unhappy. I love being with Daniel, I love how much he loves me back, and, just like our song says, "every moment I spend with [him] is a moment I treasure." But sometimes I just can't help thinking about things, and it can hurt so much. I wish I had the ability to put my complete faith in the person who, for the past two years, has earned it. I can't forget what I went through, so I have a difficult time actually trusting anyone fully. And I want to. He deserves it, and so do I.

And since I can't actually tell anyone that and no one seems to have any interest in reading this, I don't think any of the people that need to know ever will.

Writer's Block: Regrets Only
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Do you think that animals feel regret?
Wow. That's a pretty difficult question. Honestly, no, or at least not long-term. When Bear (my dog) was still alive, if he was annoyed enough, he would nip lightly and then immediately kiss the spot he licked, as if to say, "I'm sorry, but please stop." I think he didn't have any harmful intent, that he was just trying to make his point, so when he would notice our reaction to the nip, he would feel somewhat remorseful in the sense that he wished that he hadn't had to bite rather than that he wished he hadn't at all.

And I highly doubt that if he were alive now, he would remember specific instances involving such things, and look back on them with regret.

However, animals learn to do or not to do certain things based on consequences, which could also be conceived as having a conscience capable of feeling regret. A dog will remember not to bark at the neighbors all night if he's punished, and I'm sure he'll wish that he hadn't had to deal with the punishment.

I say no, that there's a difference between remorse and fear of consequences, but I'd like to see what others think.


On a completely different note, not at all related to this, I really need to learn to trust the people that I trust the most.